The Porn Minister lyrics - Dan Bull

Dear David Cameron

You want us to admit if porn's something we're interested in? (what)

I've never heard a more intrusive line of questioning (yeah)

There's a lot of chaps with no-one to put their erection in

You've put the onus on their boners to come and confess the thing (ha) Despite it's popularity the silence'll be deafening

Censorship is not the method to mop up the mess we're in (ha)

Next you'll be suggesting police kettling

Any people sending text messages with three Xs in

Will I still be free to see The Exorcist?

'Cause there's a crucifix in that and a tween having sex with it

If not, what's the difference between an adult actress

And a thespian in a sexually packed script? (tell me)

You plan to block pages with a blacklist

So if I say "rape" does it mean I can't rap this?

In terms of sexual deviance the Tories have had practice

Dave, I've seen the stains on your Brasenose mattress

And it's ironic you're proposing a porn ban 'cause

You're considered one of Britain's biggest wankers

(Ah)

Human rights are universal. Cultural differences are not an excuse to water down, human rights, nor can the exploitation of digital networks by criminals or terrorists be a justification for states to censor their citizens

But think of the children, think of the children

A free and open Internet's probably gonna kill them

Think of the children, think of the children

A free and open Internet's probably gonna kill them

Mate, rape fantasies are a common obsession (yeah)

But actually being a rapist is not a logical progression (yeah)

To beat abuse, you should use a new weapon

Like battling the stigma for people when confessing

That they've been molested or beaten senseless

The way that they're treated by police is horrendous

Some of us understand, Louise Mensch does

The consensus is your dumb plan's defenceless (uh)

Tories are all about family responsibility (ha)

So your proposal seems silly to me (ha)

Serious criminals don't use Bing, they use P2P and darknet webrings

(Think) China's blacklist accuracy couldn't be lower

It's like trying to trim your fro with a mower (ow)

When has censorship ever fixed a problem?

"Yeah, it's not like North Koreas got them" (no)

But if that's the kind of thing for which your clamouring

Do you mind if I refer to you as Kim Jong Cameron?

Think of the children, think of the children

A free and open Internet's probably gonna kill them (no)

Think of the children, think of the children

A free and open Internet's probably gonna kill them

(Ugh ugh responsibility)

If you can't say "fuck", you can't say

"Fuck David Cameron with a piece of slightly undercooked broccoli"